Why I Married Myself (SPOILER: I spilled pudding on my dress)
I wanted to tell you some big news.
I got married!
…to me! (woo hoo! Yay!)
Now let me tell you, this has nothing to do with narcissism (although several selfies were definitely taken after) and everything to do with the fact that I am marrying myself as an act of sovereignty. Let me explain.
One could blame my Venus ridden birth chart, or the fact that I was a young girl growing up in the early 2000s, but I CRAVED love. I would fantasize all day, in pre-school mind you, that all the boys would fight over me and I would walk off dramatically with my chosen knight in shining armor. That carried over in many different ways throughout my entire life. I would fall madly, passionately in love and then when they weren’t “saving me,” from boredom, from my self-loathing, from my bad habits, from myself… I would get mad at them. I would think the relationship just wasn’t working and I’d leave and start fantasizing again.
Well, one day a few years ago, I saw that this went beyond lovers and into friendships and with my family. I relied on everyone for validation, for direction, for peace, for love. I realized I had no idea what it was like to truly get my kicks from myself. I also began to wonder what I was capable of if I had not given so much energy to other people. So I went completely on my own. I wanted to create my own world, find out what brings me happiness, discover what turns me on and off in life. That was the day I decided to start courting myself.
In that time, Kozmic Ryder was born, I fully claimed the priestess path, and I entered a mind-blowing, awakening, magical partnership with my beloved. I also realized I love to cook and take magnesium baths, I love the feeling of silk against my skin, and I genuinely talk with a lot of gusto and passion about absolutely everything. And this was just the beginning.
It has been an amazing, passionate, dramatic, relationship with highs and lows. Sometimes I fight with myself, other times I am so comforted by myself. Do you know this feeling?
So, while I was on a primal priestess activation, I went down from the mountain with my teacher Graell, and into the Faery Ring, a stone circle that has magic from sacred sights all over the world. With the sun on my back and the moon right in front of me in the sky, surrounded by artifacts from sacred sights, I spoke my vows.
I vowed to listen to my heart and womb and gut before anyone else.
I vowed to help heal and transform in any way I can.
I vowed to walk the path of sacred living.
I vowed to carry out my sacred path.
I vowed to be a conduit for divinity as much as I can in my human body.
I vowed to love and honor myself, so I can love and honor others.
I reclaimed every part of myself that needed to come home.
And then I made out with myself. Just kidding. I gifted a crystal to the earth and I ate vegan chocolate pudding that spilled on my white dress. And it was glorious.
My point in sharing this with you, my love, is so that you can start consciously courting yourself. Stepping into a place of complete and total sovereignty, because sovereignty is a choice that you make every. Single. Day. Sovereignty is defined as “possessing supreme or ultimate power, a supreme ruler, a monarch.” So check in with yourself — maybe it is societal ideals, or family approval, or relationships — where in your life are you not possessing your supreme, ultimate power? Your relationship with you will directly impact every single thing you create and interact with. And the process is trippy, it’s totally far out and cosmic, and it is absolutely powerful and profound.
Come back home to you.
Let me know how it feels. And hey, maybe one day you’ll be inviting me to your self-marriage.
Loving this journey with you, and loving you always xo.