The Divinity of Loneliness
As I started to walk the priestess path, there was a shift in my life. I went deep into my own descent, looking at every nook and cranny of my soul I could find, clearing the cobwebs of the dustiest parts of my being. With that came a lot of hermit energy, a lot of needing to be alone, a lot of blowing off plans and not wanting to do the things that once gave me so much joy.
I was lonely. No matter what I did, I felt either rejected or like an outsider. Perhaps this was a core wound surfacing to be healed, or perhaps it was true. Turns out not many people want to talk about working through childhood trauma at a dive bar over some nachos and IPAs. Just kidding. Kind of.
Loneliness is brutal. Human beings are social, tribal creatures. We need our kin. Sometimes that kin is not there. Whether it is a rejection of your family, of your friends, of society at large — isolation is toxic. Someone told me once that feeling lonely was as damaging as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day on our bodies. Who knows if that is true, but the image of it reminded me of the same deep poison loneliness creates.
The feeling of not belonging and loneliness triggers fear deep in our primal brains, because back in the old days, not belonging meant death. If you couldn’t get in on the hunt, then you would starve. This carries over into this life because at the end of the day, we are very primal creatures. So, how can we embrace our humanity, our need for connection, and deal with being lonely?
Whenever I felt lonely, I would get this gnawing feeling in my gut. I felt it eat away at me — wanting to be around others while also completely feeling outcast. It was then I took a step back and turned my head up. The answer I was looking for came in complete clarity…months later.
What I discovered is that every single time I have felt lonely in my life, it was a divine cue. It was like the moment of incubation before being reborn — like the first crack in the egg of transformation — I was coming to the end of a shifting. But that doesn’t come without relationships, to yourself, to others, to other things, morphing and shifting with you. And that can feel so fucking lonely, whether you are walking the priestess path or in a transformation of your own.
See, feeling discomfort of any kind is usually a marker for greatness about to transpire. Like healing a wound, it usually feels pretty shitty before it gets better. That doesn’t mean, however, that those feelings aren’t real, and aren’t meant to be felt, the magic comes with going into it, feeling it. This also isn’t about invalidating loneliness or bypassing, rather, this gives shape and form to an otherwise amorphous blob of an emotion.
My love, there is a divinity in loneliness because it is the most potent time of discovery. This is the time that you fall in love with you. You find what you’re attracted to. The things that call to you are calling for a reason — they are lost parts of yourself ready to be accessed and integrated into you. That music that stirs something in you? Listen to it. The movie character that you are inspired by and want to emulate? Try her on. The burlesque class, the dress, the book you thought just wasn’t “you” — try them all on. See how they sit. See how you feel. Date around with the things that shape you. Ghost the things that don’t fit. Make sweet love to the things that do. Blossom, baby, into the person who you’ve always wanted to be.
…And, guess what you’ll find there?
Wholeness. When you are aligned with this wholeness and connection to every part of yourself, even the parts you may have tucked away because of insecurities or for safety, loneliness becomes solitude. And solitude becomes your power. And watch what comes your way when you start on this path.
Finding your clan is not about trying. It is about being. Like a moth to a flame, you’ll find home again.
May you be whole, holy, and home in your body, in your solitude. May you feel the divinity and pleasure of your own energy.